Last Week My Husband Was the Devil and I Quit the Stay at Home Mom Life

The devil had his claws in me…

Silas was sick for almost three weeks and it was only getting worse.  No sleep. Screaming and crying. Fevers. I was completely unnerved.  Emotional. Tired. Frustrated and scared.

I was up in the middle of nights and then bouncing him for nap times til he fell asleep (and I was lucky if he actually did go to sleep.)

I completely unraveled.  I was convinced that my life was picking up dog poop from the office floor after changing a poopy, crying babies diaper while a five year old yelled from the bathroom to come and wipe his poop too! I was surrounded by POOP! Then I had to make breakfast, clean up breakfast, bounce a baby to sleep, make lunch, clean up lunch, and wipe more poop.  “THIS isn’t life!!” I thought to myself.

I’d watch my husband shower, smelling good and looking handsome as he walked out the door with the sun shining and I despised him for it!  I told myself “he’s out living his dream and leaving me here to be the nanny.”

Wow is the devil good with his schemes…

Did I have you convinced for a second that my life was hell too? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you could smack me in the face and tell me to wake up and tell me just how blessed I am.

But it didn’t FEEL like it!

The truth?….

I get to wipe my babies butts and not be anxious at work all day wondering if my babies fever went down. I get to sit down and not have to think at all if Silas actually goes down for a nap after a night of hell. And instead of having to get dressed at 6 AM after “said night,” I can sleep-in if the baby isn’t awake yet.

The other truth…

My husband is tired too.  Tired of the stress of work. And some days feeling like he’s falling short of doing everything he can to provide. He’s doing it so I can be with my babies and also pursue some of my dreams at home.

But all because I let my emotions win over truth, I lost.

My family lost. My marriage lost.

At what felt like “wits end”, I texted my husband while he was at work. I told him “he’s living the dream while I’m being nanny, nurse and waitress at home.” I continued to tell him that I was overwhelmed and needed to go back to work.  Boy, I’m sure that felt like a kick in the pants.  And I’m also sure you can imagine the pot that stirred up when he got home for a good argument.

“The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy.” John 10:10

He was having his way with me and I was his puppet.  Killing my faith. Stealing my Joy. Destroying my marriage. That was his plan and he was close to success.

But thank God that Jesus is the victor in our life and in our home. And ultimately the devil was shut down when all was said and done.

My husband actually said to me when our argument calmed down that “feelings are good for direction but terrible leaders.”  I think about that and realize how true it is.  My feelings were directing me that I was overwhelmed and I needed to ask someone for help. But when I let them lead, I was led to believe I needed to quit everything.  Life. Marriage. Motherhood. EVERYTHING! And that’s what the devil wants from us.

So bottom line- how can we win over our emotions next time it feels like they are going to swallow us whole?

We MUST remember that God is our leader. Not our emotions. Our feelings are not God.  The only thing that can define our truth is God.  And when we let that happen, God wins, our families win and our marriages win.

“My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes- many times- my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens- and it happens everyday in some measure- I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings. But rather I plea with God: “Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with Your truth.” – JOHN PIPER




Unconditional Love


Gosh, to be loved like that is an amazing thing. But it’s that thing that is so so hard for humans to do. We want certain conditions on people as to protect ourselves and get what we want. It’s actually rather selfish. And I for one am so so guilty of this. I hear the grace message, that God loved me in my deepest darkest sin and it brings me to my knees. I’m so overwhelmed by it. Yet I struggle deeply with giving that same kind of grace to others. 

Loving someone in the deepest sin is scary. Some people are more graceful then others but I imagine in our human condition, it’s hard for us all. It’s hard to be sinned against and then say “I love you still.” It can come easy with our children but how about with everyone else? 

This world tells us not to let anyone get away with anything. Movies of today and books galore have set their whole plot around this. But as a believer, i’m supposed to actually “let people get away with things.” Does that thought scare you like it does me? I know it can be hard, especially with a tough past and deep scars. But don’t you want people to let you “get away” with your flaws and mistakes? None of us are perfect. And if we didn’t have people in our lives that love us enough to get away with our imperfections then we’d be alone! 

I want unconditional love but I’ve gotta learn to give it! If anyone today is having this struggle, let’s remember  that “God shows His love for us, in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

And to be a Christian, this is the very thing we are supposed to demonstrate too. I know it’s hard, and I’m right in the trenches with you. 

BUT learning to give grace takes action on our part. And the best way to do anything is surrender it to God in prayer. So I found this great prayer by Rick Warren. He reminds us that every time we have that memory, pray this til you’ve given grace. And one day, before you know it, the pain is gone and all that’s left is beautiful, amazing grace. 

Father, only you understand how much I’ve been hurt by others. But I don’t want to carry the pain for another second. I don’t want to be a bitter person. But I need your grace and the power of the cross to release my hurt and to forgive those who’ve hurt me. This is the turning point. First, I need to experience your forgiveness. You know all the ways I’ve hurt others, and I’m so sorry for my sins. Jesus, thank you for dying for me. I accept your grace and forgiveness, and I need it daily. Today I’m turning to you, and I’m choosing to forgive the way you have forgiven me. Every time the memory comes back, I’ll forgive that person again until the pain is gone. Heal my heart with your grace. In Jesus’ name. Amen.


Your Mess is Your Message

“Your mess is your message.” I heard someone say that a few years ago. I can’t remember if it was a podcast or a pastor but either way it rocked me. “What a profound statement?,” I thought. Here I was, a person that tried to hide my mess as best as I could and this person was telling me it’s my whole life’s purpose! 

But at the same time I was thinking, “why would someone want to go out into the world and talk about all their flaws and ways that they failed?” Well, if you were an 8 Mile movie fan like I was, you’d know the best part of the whole movie was when Eminem took the stage against his rival and laid out his story. His mess. His message! It was so awesome because he stood firm in who he was, and said “yes that’s me and where I came from, what’s your point!?” It didn’t take away from his talent, it didn’t take away from who he was created to be and it didn’t throw him out of the battle, in fact, it’s what led him to win! 

I never thought I’d parallel Jesus and Eminem but much to my surprise, they actually have quite a bit in common. In fact we all have a lot in common. We’ve been “called out” for our mess too. Think about the road to the crucifixion. “Yea right, “king of the Jews?” Born in a barn and put in a disgusting manger. He was the poorest of poor in Bethlehem. His dads a poor carpenter. He walks around with sinners and whores.” But isn’t that what’s so amazing about Him? We read these stories and we can relate. We GET It. He wasn’t King David. He was “just” Jesus of Nazareth. But look how much  “just” _______ of _________ can do for the world? Whether you’re “just” Eminem of Detroit, Michelle of Lancaster, Tom of Phoenix, Jill of Baltimore, or Jesus of Nazareth, your story is WORTHY! And people NEED to hear it. 

When I tell people my mess and what God has done in my life to clean it up, they can relate. Had I hidden my mess in hopes that no one would bring it up, it would never let people see the faithfulness of God. I’ve been wounded and scars don’t disappear. So use them to point people to Jesus!! Someone out there needs to know exactly what you went through to get through what they’re going through now. 

The devil wants us ashamed but Jesus wants us to be FREE! So let Him take those chains of shame off, so you can share your message that will lead others to handing their key of shame over so that God can unshackle them too. There was a purpose for your pain my friend, let Him use it.