The devil had his claws in me…
Silas was sick for almost three weeks and it was only getting worse. No sleep. Screaming and crying. Fevers. I was completely unnerved. Emotional. Tired. Frustrated and scared.
I was up in the middle of nights and then bouncing him for nap times til he fell asleep (and I was lucky if he actually did go to sleep.)
I completely unraveled. I was convinced that my life was picking up dog poop from the office floor after changing a poopy, crying babies diaper while a five year old yelled from the bathroom to come and wipe his poop too! I was surrounded by POOP! Then I had to make breakfast, clean up breakfast, bounce a baby to sleep, make lunch, clean up lunch, and wipe more poop. “THIS isn’t life!!” I thought to myself.
I’d watch my husband shower, smelling good and looking handsome as he walked out the door with the sun shining and I despised him for it! I told myself “he’s out living his dream and leaving me here to be the nanny.”
Wow is the devil good with his schemes…
Did I have you convinced for a second that my life was hell too? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you could smack me in the face and tell me to wake up and tell me just how blessed I am.
But it didn’t FEEL like it!
I get to wipe my babies butts and not be anxious at work all day wondering if my babies fever went down. I get to sit down and not have to think at all if Silas actually goes down for a nap after a night of hell. And instead of having to get dressed at 6 AM after “said night,” I can sleep-in if the baby isn’t awake yet.
The other truth…
My husband is tired too. Tired of the stress of work. And some days feeling like he’s falling short of doing everything he can to provide. He’s doing it so I can be with my babies and also pursue some of my dreams at home.
But all because I let my emotions win over truth, I lost.
My family lost. My marriage lost.
At what felt like “wits end”, I texted my husband while he was at work. I told him “he’s living the dream while I’m being nanny, nurse and waitress at home.” I continued to tell him that I was overwhelmed and needed to go back to work. Boy, I’m sure that felt like a kick in the pants. And I’m also sure you can imagine the pot that stirred up when he got home for a good argument.
“The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy.” John 10:10
He was having his way with me and I was his puppet. Killing my faith. Stealing my Joy. Destroying my marriage. That was his plan and he was close to success.
But thank God that Jesus is the victor in our life and in our home. And ultimately the devil was shut down when all was said and done.
My husband actually said to me when our argument calmed down that “feelings are good for direction but terrible leaders.” I think about that and realize how true it is. My feelings were directing me that I was overwhelmed and I needed to ask someone for help. But when I let them lead, I was led to believe I needed to quit everything. Life. Marriage. Motherhood. EVERYTHING! And that’s what the devil wants from us.
So bottom line- how can we win over our emotions next time it feels like they are going to swallow us whole?
We MUST remember that God is our leader. Not our emotions. Our feelings are not God. The only thing that can define our truth is God. And when we let that happen, God wins, our families win and our marriages win.
“My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes- many times- my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens- and it happens everyday in some measure- I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings. But rather I plea with God: “Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with Your truth.” – JOHN PIPER